You lot are Sick! lol
As a Peter cook and Dudley Moore fan i had to post this ..
One Leg Too Few
Peter Cook
The scene is a theatrical producer's office
Peter: Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.
Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg
Peter: Mr. Spigott, I believe?
Dudley: Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter: Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Dudley: Right.
Peter: Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley: You noticed that?
Peter: I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Dudley: Correct.
Peter: And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Dudley: Right.
Peter: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley: Very true.
Peter: Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley: Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter: Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley: The leg division?
Peter: Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. !!