Agony Aunt

[Dryland]

Dear Deidree,
                    Please can you help me.I am at my wits end . Over the last 14 months
everytime I find myself walking passed any type of field, whether it be pasture, stubble, or
ploughed, I find that my right arm tends to start swinging from left to right constantly, and I
don't seem to have any control over it. Simultaneously I start getting a strange beeping
noise in both my ears. I sometimes find myself on my knees rooting around in the mud,
and even digging little holes. This has also happened to me while my wife has been
sunbathing on the beach and it's getting extremely embarrasing [ my swinging  I mean, not my
wife sunbathing ]
                             I sometimes get a strange feeling while passing water, but I think thats an infection. I have tried googling my symptoms and have found that they are suffered by many other people.  I have found that there is some help available online , where fellow sufferers can get together and talk about their suffering and that there are places where they meet up and share their sad experiences. Please please help as I'm to embarrassed to see my doctor, Is there a cure ?
                                          Awaiting your reply with anticipation
                                                          Dylan

[Deirdree]

Dear Dylan
I would first like to proffer my deep sympathies for an affliction that while not common can and does strike many men and especially those from middle age onwards.
Its medical name is “Detectorus Annaracus“ the symptoms of which you have classically outlined but can quite quickly increase to include such signs as the inability to shut up about history, the ability to make people stare in to the distance in a dream like state even being able to make them yawn.
Physical manifestations can include such things as cardigans, comfy slippers and a desire to wear camouflage clothing when your body shape makes it obvious that you wouldn't pass the medical to be a Chelsea Pensioner let alone the army.
In some cases this debilitating condition can pass after a few years but is more often than not something you have to learn to live with and “manage”.
Aversion therapy has in certain cases been shown to work, this often takes the form of taking up a far more active and interesting hobby like train spotting or beer mat collecting.

Best Wishes
Deirdree

[handyman [Alan}]

Dear Dylan

i suggest you stop taking the magic mushrooms and concentrate on your magic roundabout

[Dryland]

 Dear Deidree
                         Thank you so much for your reply I'ts nice to know that  there are people out there who understand what I am going through.........Not like Alan 

[nobby]

Hahah ........
Your crazy

[celticspikey]

Dear Deidree,
                    Please can you help me.I am at my wits end . Over the last 14 months
everytime I find myself walking passed any type of field, whether it be pasture, stubble, or
ploughed, I find that my right arm tends to start swinging from left to right constantly, and I
don't seem to have any control over it. Simultaneously I start getting a strange beeping
noise in both my ears. I sometimes find myself on my knees rooting around in the mud,
and even digging little holes. This has also happened to me while my wife has been
sunbathing on the beach and it's getting extremely embarrasing [ my swinging  I mean, not my
wife sunbathing ]
                             I sometimes get a strange feeling while passing water, but I think thats an infection. I have tried googling my symptoms and have found that they are suffered by many other people.  I have found that there is some help available online , where fellow sufferers can get together and talk about their suffering and that there are places where they meet up and share their sad experiences. Please please help as I'm to embarrassed to see my doctor, Is there a cure ?
                                          Awaiting your reply with anticipation
                                                          Dylan

Hi Dylan, Dr Spike here, not to be confused with Dr Spock!! my ears are a normal shape ::)I suggest you take up metal detecting and see if your symptoms ease. If you need a sickness certificate I can provide one      

[Svaipa]

Dear Dylan. I recognise your frustration. While out on the roads driving the truck I used to amuse my self with a mixture of deer spotting and lush truck spotting, but have over the past few months found that this has turned into an involunteering stubble field spotting. This has now left me with a slight leftsided head tilt and a stiff neck.  The ISFS has now escalated to a degree where I find my self missing junctions. My traffic manager seems unable to understand my problem. 

[Dryland]

As there seems to be many  sufferes of this condition , [as Deidree correctly named
"Detectorus Annaracus" ] surely there should now be Government funded places like
Alcoholics Anonymous i.e. Detectors Anonymous. I suggest that it should be called COILL.
COME ON IN LADS, LADIES. 

[Spooyt Vane]

Rob Proops here (good job theres a R in the Surname)....Margery was my real before the op .......They attached a good Minelab with a big head and charged the batteries up...Now iam born again detectorist and impressive on the swings of  life  But.dont worry Dylan,lifes a Magic Roundabout says Zeberdee...I am sure you will grow out of it ...

[Dryland]

  Rob

[Svaipa]

  But.dont worry Dylan,...I am sure you will grow out of it ...

Not so sure. think he is a lost case 

[Roman (Ray)]

dryland your nuts you are mucker..im convinced..lol. ...talk to me fella ill talk you through it..i think i maybe suffing from the same thing mate.lol..everytime i see a farm i tell the boys pull over..lol..

[handyman [Alan}]

lol..everytime i see a farm i tell the boys pull over..lol..

Oh raymondo,  why do u think farms are like sweaters?  i think we need to have a chat mate!

[Dryland]

Ray it's very contagious, next time you pass a farm try wearing a T shirt instead of
a pullover

[legio11augustus]

geez and im the one whos had a bang on the head ..i feel sane now